Frogs Don't Make Good Contracts

Written by Hunter

(Our story begins ... somewhere. In Japan. Some kind of ... underground base. People ... plotting.)

Green : Thanks for the Shatner imitation.

Black : That's my Sergeant-san ! Always finding the right words !

Red : You done fooling around ? We have a meeting to attend, you know !

Yellow : Ku~kuku ... I can't wait all day, you know.

Green : Alright, alright. Everyone here ? Good. Then -

Blue (in a puff of smoke) : Hold it !

Green : Ah, yeah, we kinda forgot you.

Yellow : Again ... Kuu~kukukuku ...

(Excuse me, but would you mind telling me who you are ?)

Green : Eh ? You're a new narrator ?

Red : You see ? We have a second narrator already ! We've been trying to invade Earth for way too long !

(Presentations, please !)

Green : Okay, fine.

Green frog : The name's Sergeant Keroro, leader of the Keroro Platoon !

Red frog : Corporal Giroro, ready to fight !

Blue frog : Lance-Corporal Doro-

Black frog : Private Tamama !

Blue frog : -ro.

Yellow frog : Meh. Sergeant-Major Kururu.

Keroro : So, that's done. Now, for the reason of the meeting, I have come up with a new strategy.

Giroro : This one can't be worse than controlling the radio emissions !

Keroro : You try coming up with a plan, and then you'll be able to talk !

Tamama : So, Sergeant-san, what it is today ?

Keroro : Easy. We will use some external help.

(Quickly, the batracian officer takes a leaflet and throws it on the meeting table.)

Keroro : These people seem to have a good experience when it comes to fighting. We can certainly use it.

Giroro : I demand to see them before letting them handle the invasion.

Dororo : We must make sure they won't damage nature as well !

Keroro : Easy, easy ! We'll strictly monitor them while they do the job ! That way, we let them do the hard job, and guess who'll be rewarded by the Keron Army ?

Giroro : B ... Brilliant !

Tamama : Perfect, Sergeant-san !

Dororo : I expected no less from you, leader.

Kururu : Deception, the easy way ... I like it. Say, wouldn't I influence you ?

Keroro : Err ... thanks ... I guess ?

(Meanwhile, let's see who they will work with, okay ?)

Hunter *running around the Marauder's living room and grabbing random Joes at the throat* : Shiniiing Fingeeeeer !

Iga *hands covered with paint blots, carrying a model* : There ! Another warrior for the forces of Zeon !

(The living room is a complete mess : Gundam mangas lying around, half-built Gundam models all over the tables, and on TV ... You guess what's on.)

Naoshi *looking from a distance* : Mark my words. This is the last time we do a Gundam week-end.

Falling Star : You think they're insanely bored again ?

Magnus : Maybe not bored, but insane, I'm sure of it.

Kayorei : How can you tell ?

Magnus: There's obviously something wrong with Bandaï's choice of colors. Why would Char drive such a pink armor ? It should be a dark red !

Naoshi, Kayorei, Falling Star and Shinobu : *back away slowly*

Magnus : What ? Do I have bad breath ?

Speaker : A requester is calling. I repeat, a requester is calling.

Hunter *stands up* : Back to work, then. Let's see who it is, but before ... *grabs a green model with a red left arm* I must expose Zakugarne on the main deck !

Kayorei : ... He painted a model at his effigy ?

Shinobu *shrugs* : To everyone his hobby.

Magnus : That pun pains me.

(At the main deck...)

Keroro (voice-only) : So, you're the Seven Mercenaries, right ?

Hunter : Exactly, sir. And you are ... ?

Keroro (voice-only) : Sergeant Keroro. My platoon and I wish to meet you before giving a request. Coordinates have been handed to your crew.

Naoshi *while heading to the teleporters* : "Sergeant" ? Think we may end up in a revolution of some sorts ?

Iga : We can still deny the request, though. And remember, we have a captain on our side.

Shinobu : I'd ... rather not remember that bit.

Magnus : Okay, time to go zappy. 5-CO, go !

Crew Joe : Yes, sir. *tipes in the coordinates*

(One zappy later, the Mercs arrived in the Platoon's base. Actually, they were quite surprised to meet...)

Kayorei : Frogs ?

Naoshi : Seriously, isn't a giant pitcher weird enough ?

Falling Star : Gotta take money where it is. And there is a Toadman around.

Giroro : I admit, they look rather strong.

Dororo : They remind me of these video game characters ... I ... I remember...

(Chatting stops as all turn to Dororo.)

Dororo : I ... I was at the final boss ... only a shot and I would have beaten the game, and ...

(Click ! Trauma switch turns on.)

Dororo : Keroro came in the room running ... and he tripped in the console's wires ... the TV fell and smashed the console and the game ... and I had to pay for everything ! *sulks in a corner of the room*

Iga : Does it happen a lot here ?

Keroro : Many times.

Keroro : Now, what do you say of visiting our base We have the arsenal, the hangars, the Gundam room...

Iga, Hunter and Magnus : Gundam !

Keroro : Fellow fans ! At last !

(All three Gundam nerds happily run away, while Dororo still sobs in the corner.)

Kururu (walks to Kayorei) : Excuse me, miss.

Kayorei (kneeling) : Yeah ?

Kururu : I have a specific request for you ... *whispers in Kayorei's ear* Kuu~kuku ! Interested ?

Kayorei : ... *slams Kururu in the wall* Anyone of you frogs not terminally insane or sick ?

Giroro : I suppose it only leaves me. Lieutnants assuming command for their leaders, eh ?

Naoshi : We don't really work that way. We're rather ... communist. Sharing leadership and all.

Giroro : Whatever. As long as one of you can give me details about your arsenal and fighting methods.

Falling Star *dramatic pose* : Let it be known that no weapon in our arsenal can match my combination of powers and skills ! *looks around* Everyone's gone ?

Dororo (still in the corner) : (At last ! A partner in loneliness !)

Falling Star *running away* : Wait for me !

Dororo : (Or not.)

(Meanwhile, in Skull Castle.)

Warpman : I can't believe it.

Karasû : Alas, it has happened.

Staccato : Who would have guessed such a feat was plausible ?

Warpman : He beat us with friggin' Pichu !

Lento : Fatal Five want rematch ?

Riff : *switches off TV* How about we put ourselves to work, for a change ?

Warpman : You're like this because you didn't get to play, right ?

Riff : Yeah ! ... I mean, no ! We must defeat the Mercs once and for all !

Staccato : Mylord, you are trying to convince yourself.

Lento : Merc activity : missing. Waiting suggested.

Mr. Whiz (coming in) : Got news for you, people. We spotted the Mercs near Tokyo.

Warpman : See ? What did we just tell you ?

Staccato : Are you willing to play, master quickster ? I believe I must let Roy have a well-deserved rest.

Mr. Whiz : Thanks for the offer, but no. Naoshi played with the mixer again.

Karasû : *cringes* We have some stain-remover in the cupboard.

Mr. Whiz : Good, I was nearly out. Gotta go ! *runs away*

Warpman : Well, to Japan, I guess.

Riff : ... Yes.

(After a quick travel to said country, we find our friends on a roof...)

Lento : Target in sight ?

Riff (with binoculars) : I got them in sight. Walking out of a toy store, with a bag full of models. Hunter, Magnus, Iga and ... what the frak is that thing ?

Warpman (snatching the binoculars) : Some kind of giant frog. So ?

Riff : First, it looks like it's talking. And how come no one seems to mind it ?

Staccato *shrugs* : There may be stranger things in Japan happening every day. Do you remember the Warriors' tale, with these giant lizards ?

Warpman : Hang on. It seems like no one minds it ... because no one seems to see it.

Karasû : Some sort of selective camoflage ? I am intrigued.

Riff : Let's track them down !

(Both groups, consumers and spies, went to a normal-looking house.)

Riff : On the count of three, we break through the door and rush in.

Fatal Five : *nod*

Riff : One ... Two ... three !

SFX : CRASH !

Riff (under a pile of Fatalists) : Door ... not closed ... can't feel my legs ...

(Under the house...)

Tamama : Huh ? Did anyone else hear a crash ?

Dororo (without looking up) : They're probably trying out the arsenal ... without me ... *continues sobbing*

Tamama : No problem, then. *snatches a bag of chips and a comic*

(Fatalist time !)

Riff : Look all around the house ! The Mercs could hide anywhere !

Staccato (from upstairs) : Nothing here.

Karasû (in the kitchen) : Same here.

Warpman (going through the first floor) : Nope.

Lento (in the bathroom) : ... What were we looking for again ?

Riff *sighs* : Some secret passage. Like, this trap door here ... wait.

Warpman : I know what you'll say, oh great leader.

Riff : So what are you waiting for ? Do it now !

Warpman (goes through the trap door) : I found the base. Care to join me ?

(In said base...)

Alarm : Intruders spotted ! Intruders spotted !

Keroro (building a Gundam) : Yeah, fine. Let Giroro deal with it.

Alarm : The intruders are heading towards the Gundam room.

Keroro : WHAT ?!? Initiate Level 10 Emergency ! Quint, can you call your Mercs now ?

Hunter : Already done. (the Mercs walk in) See ?

Magnus : So, can I blast them ?

Giroro : We'd ... rather take prisonners.

Naoshi : Get ready, all. Here they come !

Riff *charging in with his gun firing* : Take this ! *stops* Oh. Hi, Quint.

Hunter : Sorry, Riff. We're kinda in the middle of our business here.

Riff : Ah, sorry. Can I know who you work with this time, or is it a secret ?

Hunter : Nah. That's the Keroro Platoon. They plan on invading Earth.

Staccato : Nonsense ! This world will be only under Lord Wily's reign !

Keroro : ... You ... You blasted everything !

(Actually, every model in the room had gotten a shower of lead.)

Keroro *charging at Riff* : You will pay now !

Riff *kicks Keroro* : Get off, you.

Tamama : No one touches Sergeant-san ! Eat the pain, fragger ! *fires an energy ball at Riff*

(Said attack was blocked by Staccato.)

Staccato : And no one shall hurt mylord. I challenge thee, tadpole !

Tamama : You're on ! *charges Staccato*

Keroro : Giroro. Your gun. Now !

Giroro : Y-yes, sir ! (I never saw him like this since we landed here !)

Warpman : Hey, Red. Mind if I make frog steak with you ?

Giroro (takes guns from seemingly nowhere) : I'd like to see you try, freak. *opens fire*

Hunter : ... Er, we're still here.

Kururu : Kuku ... Well, it seems like you're a magician.

Karasû : And you, my friend, seem to be a nerd. And you need a good beating up.

Kururu : At last, someone worth my time. *snaps his fingers, resulting in a mech appearing* Still not giving up ?

Karasû : How about a "no" ? *sends a thunder bolt at the mech*

Lento : No one left for me ?

Naoshi : Well, we're here.

Dororo : No ! Today, I shall prove my worth by defeating you !

Lento : Cool. *opens fire at Dororo*

Dororo : *dodges and throws shuriken at Lento* Even the tallest mountains fall !

(And while nearly everyone was having a good time duelling, seven people weren't involved.)

Falling star : So, what do we do now ?

Iga : I'd say we help the Platoon.

Magnus : And what if we shot on sight ?

Naoshi : Kinda brutal.

Magnus : So ? They won't be left to reply.

Hunter : I say we wait until the fight stops.

Shinobu : Didn't they pay us to help them taking over the world ?

Hunter : Not for specifically fighting the Fatal Five, right ?

Iga : Ah. A safe retreat. (All walk out)

Kayorei (closing the door) : Taking sides is highly overrated, anyway.

(After a few minutes, silence occured.)

Falling star : Here goes. *opens the door* Woah.

(Both members of the Keroro Platoon and the Fatal Five were lying down, too hurt to move, in an accurate representation of post-Apocalypse.)

Hunter : ... Did they pay us yet ?

Kayorei : That was an issue we kinda overlooked. That red guy only cared about weapons.

Hunter : So how about we get the Fatalists back to their base, leave to the Marauder and call it a day ?

Naoshi : Works for me.

Shinobu : Better leave a word of excuses for these frogs.

(After a few minutes, in a now nearly empty room...)

Keroro *waking up* : My head ... Wait, where's everybody ?

Dororo : Look. They left a paper behind.

Giroro : Just read it, please.

Dororo : "Dear Platoon, Sorry, but world conquest may be out of our league. We won't ask the money for our services."

Keroro : These cowards ! I will make them bath in their own blood !

Giroro : Hey, calm down !

Dororo : "PS : Here's a cheque to repair the broken models. Sincerely yours, the Seven Mercenaries."

Keroro : They're the coolest guys ever !

Tamama : That's my Sergeant-san, always forgiving !

Kururu : Kuku ... These fellows gave me some ideas.

Keroro : Then go work on it ! Our invasion will rise from its ashes once again !

Tamama : Hurray for the Sergeant !

Giroro : That's ... that's beautiful !

Dororo : "Rising from its ashes" ? You mean it even started ?

Keroro : ... You're no fun, Dororo.

(And what happened to the Fatalists ? let's find out at Skull Castle !)

Crashman *picking up a paper* : "This package contains the Fatal Five. Handle with care."

Airman : Hey, isn't it Piñata Day tomorrow ? Ben'll be delighted.

(... Poor guys.)

THE END