Like
a sentence
from
300
Written
by
Hunter
(Our
story
starts in
the
streets of
Megalopolis,
where
has-been
actors can
be seen
harassing
defenseless
people.)
Hasselhoff:
Com'on,
girl, jump
in my car!
I just
wanna take
you
home!
Yai
(while
backing
off):
N ...no,
thanks!
It's not a
long way
from
here!
Hasselhoff:
And I was
just bein'
polite
...*snaps
his
fingers*
(Immediately,
the Hoff's
minion
crashes
the wall
the poor
girl was
leaning
on,
knocking
her out in
the
process.
It
happens.)
Kool-Aid
Man:
OOOH
YEEAAAH!!!!
...Er
...Oops?
Hasselhoff:
Bah, it's
easier
that way.
Throw her
in the
car!
*CRASH!*
Hasselhoff:
Not
that
strong!
Anyways,
KITT, get
her out of
here!
(By
pressing a
button on
the
dashboard,
the girl
got thrown
out of the
car, with
extremely
cheap
FX.)
Kool-Aid
Man:
How was
today's
catch,
boss?
Hasselhoff:
Lemme
see...some
weird
handheld
computer,
credit
cards, a
pound of
500$
banknotes...
KITT:
Michael, a
small
browse of
my
databanks
indicated
me that
this girl
is the
heir of a
large
multinational
company.
We could
have
gotten
millions
through a
ransom.
Hasselhoff:
Naw, too
risky.
Besides,
we're
close to
our goal.
Say,
Kool-Aid,
what were
the
results on
your
part?
Kool-Aid
Man:
Pretty
good. A
week or
two, and
we'll be
able to do
you-know-what.
Hasselhoff:
Perfect!
Now, let's
hit the
roads
before the
coppers
come
in!
(On
those
words,
Kool-Aid
Man jumped
in the
Hoff's
car, and
the trio
zoomed
away at
super-speed,
with their
wheels
barely
moving. Surprising
at the
first
time, but
you get
used to
fequent
such a
weirdo.)
Hasselhoff:
That's not
nice,
man!
(Whatever.
So, what
is this
you-know-what
the
cherry-flavored
horror
referenced
to? Is it
a secret
project?
And what's
the link
with the
Mercs?
Of
course, I
already
read the
script, so
I know
what'll
happen,
but
spoiling
everything
would be
mean. And
I'm only
paid if
you read
the whole
thing.
Anyways,
let's see
how it
goes a few
days later
in the
Marauder.)
TV
reporter:
Another
theft has
been
reported
to the
police,
following
the same
pattern: a
rich
girl's
been
invited
for a ride
back home,
and is
later
thrown out
of the
car, with
all their
possessions
stolen.
The police
still has
no clue
about the
thief's
possible
identity.
Shinobu:
That thing
has
Hasselhoff
written
all over
it.
Iga:
True, but
you
remember
his powers
- he can
escape in
a
split-second.
Isn't it
Kayorei?
...Kay?
(The
female
Merc,
silent
during the
news
broadcast,
suddenly
pointed
her arm at
Iga,
shooting a
point two
inches
above his
head.)
Iga:
...*faints*
Kayorei:
We go and
stop him.
Now.
Falling
Star:
Err,
Kayorei,
we don't
have
enough
clues as
of
now.
Shinobu:
Plus,
remember
what
happened
the last
time you
went on
your
own.
Kayorei:
...Alright.
I'll be in
my
room.
(As
she left
the room,
a Joe ran
into her
way,
blocking
the
door.)
Kayorei:
*kicking
the poor
Joe out of
the way*
Don't you
have
anything
important
to do?
*walks
out*
Crew
Joe:
The pain
...I can't
feel my
legs
...
Stardust:
Okay, so
what's the
problem?
Crew
Joe:
It's about
Mr Hunter.
I think he
hurted
himself,
because
...because
...*deactivates*
Shinobu:
That's the
fourth Joe
Kayorei
destroys
this
week.
Falling
Star:
Better
them than
us.
Naoshi:
Anyways, I
think we
should go
and see
what's
wrong with
Hunter.
(With
Shinobu
taking Iga
and the
Joe back
to the
medical
block, the
remaining
trio of
Mercs
wandered
through
the
corridors,
when they
encountered...)
?:
Do not
step in
the way of
your
Captain,
sailors!
(...the
weirdest
duo
possible:
Hunter was
wearing a
long cape,
and was
followed
by an
exhausted-looking
Joe,
carrying a
fan so
that the
cape could
flap in
the
wind.)
Naoshi,
Stardust
and
Falling
Star:
0_0
Stardust:
...So,
Hunter,
how do you
feel?
Hunter:
Very fine,
dear
people,
for I
understood
my true
mission
here!
Naoshi:
And it
is?
Hunter:
Being the
Captain of
this
vessel, of
course!
Now follow
me to the
main deck!
Some
directives
must be
taken care
of!
Falling
Star
(muttering):
Do you
think he
could be
insanely
bored?
Naoshi
(muttering):
Until
further
notice, no
one
touches
him,
right?
(Once
they
arrived on
the main
deck,
Hunter
rushed to
the
captain's
seat, and
sat,
immediately
adopting a
shadowy
look.)
Hunter:
To all
men!
Invert
port and
starboard!
Stardust:
What does
he
mean?
Crew
Joe:
Technically,
he wants
us to do a
barrel
roll.
Stardust:
...
Hunter:
Perfect!
Now,
reverse
stern and
bow!
Naoshi:
And
now?
Crew
Joe:
A
somersault.
Falling
Star:
How come
we don't
feel any
shaking,
anyways?
Hunter:
It's all
thanks to
the
constructor
of this
marvellous
ship!
Stardust:
...You
mean
Wily?
Hunter:
Exactly!
He built
some
internal
gravity
system
which
...Where
did you
go,
sailors?
(During
the
explanation,
the trio
had fled
away at
full
speed,
only
stopping
in front
of the
medical
block,
where Iga
has
awoken.)
Falling
Star:
Lock every
access to
the main
deck!
Naoshi:
Hunter has
gone
insanely
bored, and
now, he
talks
about
joining
Wily!
Shinobu:
First
Kayorei,
now Hunter
...what'll
happen
next?
(Patience,
Shinobu,
your
answer
will come
in a few
minutes...)
Alarm:
Alert!
Alert!
Intruder
on the
main
deck!
Naoshi:
Think we
should go
and help
Hunter?
Alarm:
All signs
tend to
confirm
the
intruder
is David
Hasselhoff!
(A
cloud of
dust goes
in front
of the
small
quintet.
Violet and
golden
flashes
indicate
it's
Kayorei
running at
high
speed.)
Iga:
...Definitely.
(When
the Mercs
arrive,
they can
see the
main deck
in a mess:
the Joes
are
hiding,
computers
are torn
open,
Hunter's
laying on
the floor
knocked
out, and
Kayorei is
shooting
at a
flying
Hoff,
causing
even more
destruction!)
Hasselhoff
(spotting
the
Mercs):
Everyone
here?
Good!
Let's go
and look
for your
freedom!
(From
a hand
gesture,
and a
rather
cheap
*PLINK!*,
the six
conscious
Teammates
and the
Hoff are
teletransported
to a poor
area in
the
suburbs of
Megalopolis,
with
abandoned
houses
everywhere.)
Iga:
Hasselhoff!
Why on
Earth
attacking
us?
Hasselhoff:
Hey, my
appearances
in
Baywatch
and Knight
Rider
didn't pay
enough, so
I started
to use my
powers of
awesomeness
in order
to get
rich the
easy
way!
Iga:
But you
can't do
that! You
were my
idol!
The
other
Mercs
&
Hasselhoff:
*stare
oddly at
Iga*
Iga:
I mean
...You
made cool
clips
...and,
well, they
made me
laugh and
all
...
Hasselhoff:
Anyways,
since the
day I met
your
purple
comrade
here, I
went from
failure to
failure!
But I met
some
budday who
wants
t'have a
word with
you!
Kool-Aid
Man
(crashes
through a
wall):
OOHHH
YEEAAAH!!!!!
Naoshi:
...God.
KITT
(arrives
at full
speed and
brakes in
front of
the Mercs,
with a lot
of
screeching):
Do not
forget me
either,
Michael!
Stardust:
KITT? But
you were
the
coolest
car
ever!
Hasselhoff:
Enough
chit-chat,
it's time
to start
the hunt!
*disappears,
along with
his two
henchmen*
Stardust:
Where are
they?
Where are
they?
(No
sooner
that he
pronounces
this
words,
KITT
charges at
him! He
manages to
block the
vehicle,
forcing it
to get
back.)
Naoshi:
That thing
can't
follow us
indoors!
Let's go
and
hide!
Iga:
Not a wise
move.
Remember,
they have
...
(As
expected,
the
cherry-flavored
horror
charges
through a
nearby
wall,
showering
them with
debris!)
Kool-Aid
Man:
OOH
YEAAAH!!!!!
Stardust:
Two can
play that
game,
freak!
(Using
his
powerful
leg
engines,
the
porcine
Merc
catches
the
Kool-Aid
Man, and
throws him
to the
ground!
But the
monster
gets back
and
attempts
to flee by
charging
other
walls,
soon
followed
by
Stardust,
who throws
even more
pebbles
around.)
Stardust
(panting):
Are ...you
...done
yet?
Kool-Aid
Man:
NO
WAAAYYY!!!!!
(takes
twin
cannons
from his
back and
shoots
Stardust)
(Let
me
introduce
you a new
weapon:
the Cherry
Juice
Cannon!
Powered by
the
Kool-Aid
Man's
synthetic
fluids, it
allows him
to shoot a
thick red
juice
which
clogs up
articulations
and smells
of
synthetic
cherry.
Awful.
With
the mighty
Hyper
Storm
fallen to
the
ground,
the cherry
freak
targets
the
remaining
Mercs, who
can barely
dodge the
blasts!)
Falling
Star:
Two can
play that
game,
cragstard!
*shoots
Water
Blasts at
Hyper
Storm*
(Being
occupied
by this
new
opponent,
the
Kool-Aid
Man didn't
notice the
three
melee-oriented
Mercs
sneaking
on
him.)
Iga
(using his
staff like
a golf
club):
This is
for
Stardust!
Naoshi
(wrecking
the glass
with his
energy-powered
spear):
For the
destruction
of our
base!
Shinobu
(slashing
him with
his Screw
Crushers):
I ...just
don't like
you!
(His
body
wrecked to
shards,
his fluids
pouring on
the
ground,
the
Kool-Aid
Man
finally
falls
face-first
on the
ground,
destroyed
for
good.)
Naoshi:
That takes
care of
Moron
n°1.
Iga:
Now,
where's
the rest
of these
creeps?
Falling
Star:
More
important,
where's
Kayorei?
Shinobu:
I remember
seeing her
dodging
KITT's
charge,
but then
she
disappeared.
The
four
Mercs:
...
Iga:
...Do you
think the
Hoff is
still
alive by
now?
(Suddenly,
they hear
a scream.
They drag
Stardust
back and
get to the
source, to
see that
Kayorei is
in
trouble:
while
focusing
on the
Hoff, she
has to
deal with
KITT's
charges.)
Shinobu:
Someone
needs a
hand,
here.
(The
red Merc
turned to
his
Crusher
mode and
charged at
the
autonomous
car,
forcing it
into a
semi-somersault,
and
leaving
Kayorei
enough
time to
throw a
handful of
Crackers
into the
Hoff's
face!)
Hasselhoff
(a hand on
his
now-bleeding
face):
This
doesn't go
as well as
planned
...KITT,
let's
activate
plan
B!
KITT:
As you
wish,
Michael!
(In
a series
of FX only
obtained
through a
cheap
budget and
illegal
substances,
KITT gets
back on
its
wheels,
and starts
to
transform
and become
a
look-alike
of
Wildrider,
except
with a
blue
"skin" and
a red
visor for
eyes.)
Stardust
(waking
up):
...Wow. So
the Hoff
works with
Decepticons?
(Then,
KITT and
David
Hasselhoff
merge and
become
...
a
hideous
mix with
KITT's
body and
the Hoff's
face and
jacket!)
"Mix":
The name
is
Mecha-Selhoff!
(Whatever.)
Mecha-Selhoff:
Anyways,
if I stole
all this
money, it
was to pay
for KITT
being able
to
transform!
And now,
y'all
shall
die!
(With
these
words, the
ugly
combiner
jumps in
the air,
produces a
gun out of
thin air
and starts
shooting
everything
in sight,
forcing
the Mercs
to
hide.)
Kayorei:
He's too
strong
airborne.
Stardust,
put him
down.
Stardust:
Okay.
(Jumping
out of his
hide, the
giant Merc
aims at
the Hoff
and
shoots!
The
powerful
detonation
brings him
to the
ground,
which
Stardust
takes as
an
advantage
to charge
him.)
Mecha-Selhoff:
Y'love
wrestling,
too? What
a
coincidence!
(Then,
the
simili-Transformer
gets
steady on
his feet
and blocks
the
attack!
This buys
time for
the Mercs,
who attack
and shoot
the Hoff
in the
back -
with
little
success!)
Mecha-Selhoff:
Ye fools!
KITT's
been
extra-armored
with
Metool-like
plating!
(ever
wondered
why it
never got
a
scratch?)
(Then,
the Hoff
quickly
spins on
himself,
knocking
the Mercs
down, only
leaving
Falling
Star and
Kayorei in
front of
him! While
the
aquatic
Merc
shoots at
the Hoff's
feet,
sticking
him in
mud, her
violet
comrade
throws
Cracker on
Cracker,
creaking
holes in
their
opponent's
torso,
when he
finally
decides to
fly and
shoot
them!)
(His
opponents
down and
ready to
be
achieved,
the Hoff
now does
what every
villain
does in
such a
situation:
gloating.)
Mecha-Selhoff:
It's been
quite a
ride,
people,
but now I
must get
hooked on
a feeling!
Ciao, all!
*readies
his
guns*
(He
first
aimed at
Kayorei,
when...)
*BLAST!*
(A
burning-white
ray tears
the skies
apart and
turns
Kayorei's
nemesis to
cinders!
Their
optics
temporary
blinded,
the mercs
raise
their
heads to
see a
giant,
black-green
form
coming
down to
them!)
Hunter
(through
loudspeakers):
Everything's
alright,
people?
I'll warp
you back
to the
ship.
Quint,
out.
(Minutes
later, the
Mercs are
all
gathered
in the
medical
block.
They were
only
stunned by
the Hoff's
attack,
and
Kayorei
seems to
be back to
her usual
self.)
Kayorei:
I guess
that even
that guy
can't
survive a
direct
shot from
a
battleship.
Shinobu:
And if it
were the
case?
Kayorei:
Heh,
anyone
would need
much time
to heal
from
this.
Hunter:
What
worries me
is the
fact that
the
Kool-Aid
Man came
back. I
thought he
was buried
in our
temporary
fortress.
Falling
Star:
Guess the
Hoff was
behind
it.
Naoshi:
...So,
Hunter,
what
happened
to
you?
Stardust:
Yeah, were
you
insanely
bored, or
something?
Hunter:
Well, uhm,
nothing
like that.
It's just
that I did
an anime
marathon
the last
week-end.
Captain
Harlock -
about a
space
pirate
who's the
captain of
a ship
like the
Marauder.
So, I
wanted to
try being
a
captain.
The
Mercs:
...
Hunter:
It was
such a
cool
anime, you
know.
Anyways,
when I saw
that you
were in
danger
when I
awoke, I
tracked
your
signals
down and
blasted
the Hoff
to
oblivions.
Iga:
Another
story that
ends well,
I
guess.
(Except
that, back
to the
battlefield...)
Hasselhoff:
*pops from
the melted
metal,
visibly
unhurt*
Gott, that
smarts!
(In
a series
of
incoherent
gestures,
the Hoff
put both
KITT and
the
Kool-Aid
Man as
brand as
new.)
Hasselhoff:
Damn,
these guys
are
meddlesome.
Kool-Aid
Man:
So, what
do we do
now,
boss?
Hasselhoff:
Looking
for
freedom,
of course!
We'll go
on a
road-trip,
and then,
we'll plan
our
revenge on
these
robots!
KITT:
Michael, I
must
remember
you that
you have a
series of
shows in
las Vegas
in less
than two
weeks.
Hasselhoff:
...Fine
then.
Shows,
roadtrip,
and then
the
revenge!
Let's hit
the road,
gang!
(On
these
departure
words, the
Hoff Squad
leaves,
riding to
the sun,
even if
it's
totally
out of
their way.
Sure, they
may appear
again, but
not so
soon,
luckily.)